Friday, August 24, 2012

Debbie-Downer

I've been quite a debbie-downer the past few days. It's just one of those times where you're stressed out and you start feeling like nothing is good enough. You get self-conscious about stuff. Like the way you look/dress, your weight, what you eat, what you buy, your work, school. Everything.

Obviously, I know I'm not really overweight or fat. But I am out of shape. And it gets discouraging when I can't run. And even though I was proud of myself for running two miles without stopping, it's still depressing. My goal when I started this blog was a half marathon. I have come no where close to that goal. The longest I've run all summer nonstop was 4 miles. And I only did that once. And I'm not eating healthy like I want to and should be doing.

The healthiest thing I ate yesterday was an "unwich" from Jimmy John's. But I also had chips and a Sprite with it. I know I don't eat like this constantly. But it feels that way sometimes. It's hard for someone who works 8-5 and then has class 6-9 to make healthy choices when it comes to food. I don't have the time or the energy to cook.

I'm not working as hard as I should be with my runs and workouts. It's hard to push myself through a run when it's hard to breathe. I don't like the way I look right now, and I don't like the way I feel. I'm not fishing for compliments here. But I can't be the only person who's ever felt this way. I don't feel good about myself right now and I'm not at the weight I would like to be. And I'm not in the kind of shape I would like to be. I want to be able to run that half marathon. It's hard to accept that I have to start out with one or two miles several times a week and keep working slowly toward that goal. It's extremely hard to accept that just a year ago, I was running 5ks with no problems. No stopping. And my longest time was around 36 minutes (which isn't super fast, but it's not bad either).

All of these thoughts and feelings are trickling into other areas of my life. School, work, friends, etc. I feel like nothing I do is good enough. I'm not working hard enough. I'm not doing my best. And when I feel like I did work really hard and did my best, it ends up terrible. I want to do well and I want to get A's in my graduate classes (yes, B's are devastating when you've tried your absolute hardest).

I know most of these things can be solved with simple changes. Like buying and eating healthier food. And getting out and running and walking as much as I can. Sometimes even the simplest of changes feels daunting and overwhelming. It's hard to tell myself that I'm going to go run 4 or 5 days next week when I don't know what my allergies or asthma will be like. Or what kind of headaches I'll get. It's hard to buy healthy food when I'm on a limited budget. It's hard to cook healthy food when I don't have the time it takes to prepare and cook it all. Time spent cooking is time I could be spending on homework. Or running. Or sleeping.

It's hard to force myself to start doing these things on a regular basis, but I know it needs to be done. I somehow need to get over my hatred of cooking. Because I need to eat healthy, home-cooked meals. I'm not going to run better or faster, or get in shape, or feel healthier if I don't start eating that way. I choose fast food or frozen foods because they're fast and easy. I don't have to waste time cooking or cleaning. I can eat and then get other stuff done.

I somehow need to feel better about myself, in every aspect. I need to have confidence in the way I look and the things I do. I need to learn to push myself to do my best. I need to stop caring so much about what other people think. I need to get myself out of this rut I've been in for the past few weeks.