Doing the Best I Can: March Updates

It's been a while since I posted an update for you guys, so while I have some free time (and by "free time" I mean waiting for a response so I can actually start working on a project), I thought I'd do a little writing here.

First, I know you are all dying to know what's new in the Mold Saga. Unfortunately, it's not good news. Our apartment was inspected and it was found that one of the windows is actually leaking, causing a significant buildup of moisture on the windowsill and the floor below. They didn't find moisture in the bathroom in our bedroom, but that's probably because we stopped using it. Basically, although the inspector recommended installing exhaust fans and replacing the windows, the owner said no. We were told to just leave the doors open while we shower (which we were already doing, in addition to hanging our wet towels outside the bathroom to dry) and to wipe off any condensation on the windows. Meanwhile, we all continue to be sick and poor Copper has been wearing the "cone of shame" for a week and a half now. I have contacted a lawyer and am waiting to see if we have a case to sue the owner over this. If not, then we're stuck with our moldy apartment until December when our lease is up.

My poor baby! We did buy her a "comfy" cone that's a little softer (and reusable). But every time we take it off, she immediately starts scratching her face. :(

Remember way back when I said I was giving up bananas and avocados since they can be cross-reactive in people with latex allergies? Well I gave up bananas for almost a month. Then I had one banana every day for three days in a row. I noticed zero changes except remembering that I'm really burnt out on bananas and I enjoyed not eating one every day. I gave up avocados for a shorter period of time, because guacamole. Again, I didn't notice any difference with or without avocados in my diet. I'm currently under a lot of stress right now with the problems in our apartment, trying to sell our house, and a lot of other stuff. I may revisit this idea in the future, but I think right now, I'm done experimenting with my diet. I'm going to continue trying to eat as healthy as I can for as cheaply as I can (with a few convenience frozen pizzas thrown in here and there), otherwise I might go insane.

I do have some good news to share, though. A few weeks back I had two job interviews. One for a job I was really interested in and the other was for a job I applied for only because I was qualified and was at a point where I just needed a job. It wasn't something I truly wanted to be doing. Well, I didn't get an offer from the one I was interested in, but I did get an offer from the other one. I initially accepted it, but around the same time, I landed a freelance writing gig. The more I did the writing and the more I realized I might have to give it up if I took a full time job, the less and less I wanted that job. If I was going to give up writing, it definitely needed to be for a job I really wanted. After crunching some numbers and deciding we could make it work, I turned down the full time job offer. I am currently writing [almost] full time and also working a part-time job. It's definitely not as much money as I'd like to be making, and it means we won't be making much progress on paying off our debt anytime soon, but I'm already much happier and feel so relieved that I don't have to take a job I don't want just for the money. I took a risk, and I'm hoping it pays off!

I've got a lot going on, some of which I may write about later in a separate post. Right now, I'm spending almost all day, every day writing and it makes me immensely happy, so I'm trying to focus on that.

February Recap

Copper and I walked 125-ish miles this month! That’s 20-ish more than January! (Remember, my app isn’t 100% accurate, so it might be more.) I can’t believe how much we walked! And March is off to a good start as well (thanks mostly to the nice weather). 

As far as my goals for the year go, I’ve been slacking a bit. We haven’t made any progress toward budgeting/paying off our debts because I still don’t have a full-time job. (You can read about my frustration with job hunting here.) I do have a part-time, work-from-home job that I started recently, but I’m still training and not getting regular projects yet. Hopefully once I really get started with that we’ll have some extra money to start tackling our debt. I’m also hoping to start a retail position soon, which would also be part time, to earn some extra money while I’m still looking for a full-time job. I do have a potential freelance client in the works as well, so that will be helpful too! I created an online resume/portfolio in the hopes that it will help me land a great job. Check it out and let me know what you think! Any feedback is appreciated! 

I’ve finished reading two books so far this year, but have made zero progress on writing my own book, so that’s a bummer. I need to ramp up my writing this month. We are trying to be better about eating at home more, both to save money and eat healthier. We’re not doing as great as I would like for us to do on that front, but I think after we realized just how much we spent eating out last week, we will make more of an effort to eat at home! 

For those of you following along with our Mold Saga, our problems continue. They were supposed to install exhaust fans in the bathrooms on Monday, but the electrician said there was some duct work that needed to be done prior to the installation, so he said he would let them know and then left. I haven’t heard anything since. So today I put in another work order asking about the status of the duct work/exhaust fans and also asking what will be done to remove the existing mold (because exhaust fans are only going to prevent new mold from growing). I am allergic to mold and feel like I’ve been sick since shortly after we moved here. My asthma has gotten worse, my sinuses are constantly congested, my eyes get itchy and watery, and my throat hurts almost daily. Chris has started showing similar symptoms as well (although I think he’s slightly better off since he isn’t home all day, every day like I am), and Copper licks and chews on her paws constantly, which may or may not be related to the mold. So it’s becoming a serious health issue for all of us, which I made sure to include in my work order request. 

Unfortunately, my thumb isn't as green as I had hoped and my poor English Ivy plant doesn’t look like it’s going to make it. It got really droopy in our bedroom and I thought it wasn’t getting enough light, so I moved it out to the kitchen where there’s a lot more light throughout most of the day, but it just keeps getting droopier. I also thought I was overwatering it, so I’ve lightened up on that quite a bit, but it’s still not perking back up. 

When I first potted the plant and put it in our bedroom, I noticed a big difference in how I felt almost immediately. That only lasted for a few days though. Once it started drooping, I went back to feeling crappy. I’ve tried to look online for solutions to get it to perk back up and save it, but nothing has worked, and I’m constantly reading conflicting opinions. Some articles I read seem to think ivy does better in shade or indirect light, while others say they need more sunlight. Most have said not to over-water, so I’m trying to let the soil dry out more in between waterings, but that hasn’t helped. If anyone has any experience with indoor ivy plants and has any suggestions for saving this poor guy (and me!), let me know! 

Here’s to hoping March is full of good things, like a full-time job, an offer on our house (we recently lowered the price!), and no more mold!  

The Road to Sustainability

I've been slacking a little with this blog lately. But I've been busy, working my butt off trying to find myself a job, and not just any job but the job. The job where I get to use my writing and editing skills daily. The job where there's room for me to learn and grow and advance my career. The job with a positive working environment. I'm still looking. But I might be getting close! I've had two phone interviews for one position and I will be interviewing in-person for that position next week. I am excited about the possibility and opportunity this position could bring and hope to have good news on that front soon!

Copper and I have also been walking our butts off! Although not so much today and yesterday. I'm not sure if it's allergies or if I'm getting a cold, but I've felt a little sniffly and throat-scratchy, so I'm trying to drink more water and hot tea  and dial it back a little on the long walks. So far this month, we've walked roughly 92 miles (give or take a few)! Even with scaling back our walks a little, we will still hit 100 miles walked before the end of the month. I've noticed some tightness in my hips lately (from all the walking I presume), so I've been trying to open them and stretch them more in my yoga practice.

Copper went to the vet last week and weighs a whopping 68 pounds, and it's all muscle! Unfortunately, we found out she had two infections in both of her ears. Thankfully, just since Friday, with the medicine and cleaning solution her vet gave us, her ears seem to be clearing up, although one ear was definitely worse than the other.

My poor baby!

We've been out and about, trying new things lately. I went to the Dallas Art Museum last week with a friend from my yoga studio:

Number 3, 1949: Tiger by Jackson Pollock

I also tried sushi for the first time!!!

It was pretty good.

We've finally started cooking at home again for the majority of our meals. (We cave and eat out a couple times a week right now, but we need to reign that in if we're going to be healthier and pay off some debt!!) I'm trying to get us to eat healthier overall and rather than cutting out gluten and dairy, I'm buying whole grains and organic (or less-processed) dairy products to see how it goes. It's a little more expensive, but so far, I've been feeling okay!

Whole grain penne pasta with chicken sausage, whole roasted cauliflower, caesar salad and garlic bread. Chris is even eating more than one helping of salad!!

Penne pasta reimagined for a leftover lunch!

This was last night's dinner and it was delicious! Slow cooker creole chicken with andouille chicken sausage over brown rice. 

In addition to trying to eat healthier, one of my goals for this year (not listed here!), is to try to lead a more sustainable lifestyle. More simply, I want to start reducing some of our waste (and lower our budget!). In the past, I've made small changes, such as switching from Dixie cups in the bathroom to small Tupperware cups (I have about 4 that I rotate). I want to start making more changes like that in other areas. Currently, I use makeup remover wipes to take off my makeup at the end of the day (although, since I'm not currently working, I've been going natural--saving money on the wipes and the makeup!), but I'd like to switch to something less disposable. I've seen DIY makeup remover with Johnson & Johnson's baby shampoo (I think it's shampoo? I don't really remember), but I'm not crazy about buying that and using it on my face (and thus having another bottle to throw out).

I also brought up the topic with Chris of switching to using cloth napkins rather than paper towels. We're only a family of 2, so we don't go through a ton of paper towels, so this isn't so much a money-saving thing as it is more of an environmental thing. I want to reduce the amount of waste we're putting out into the world. Chris was pretty adamant that we keep the paper towels (mainly because it's not a huge extra cost for us), but I might get some just for me to use. 

I'm also looking into alternatives to the Swiffer (dry) cloths. I still have some, so I will use those up first, but I did try a microfiber cloth yesterday, and it seemed to trap as much hair and dust and dirt as the Swiffer cloths do (if not more!). I'm not sure what, if anything, I can use on the Swiffer Wet Jet, but I haven't even mopped our apartment yet (don't judge me!), so I'm not too concerned about that at the moment.

Are you trying to reduce your carbon footprint (or save money!)? If so, what steps have you taken to do so? Any tips for makeup remover, cloth napkins, or Swiffer cloths? Let me know!

Self Care

My legs/feet/ankles have been very sore the past few days. I think all the walking I've been doing, plus yoga every day is starting to catch up with me. So rather than push myself to the point of injury, I'm taking a rest day.

Instead of taking Copper on a 2+ mile walk this morning, we just did 1.5, and will probably do the same later this afternoon. And instead of doing the two yoga classes I planned on doing today, I'm not doing either of them. Instead I'm going to stay home, get some laundry done, and rest.

Just to give you a real idea of how much walking I've done since we moved to Dallas back in December:

In the month of December, I walked roughly 62 miles (which is a number from my RunKeeper app, that isn't always accurate, so it's probably more than that).

So far in January, I have walked 44 miles (and January isn't even half-way over!).

While I've always been fairly active, I've never walked this much in my life. To put things into perspective, I only walked roughly 5 miles for the entire month of November, and about 10 in October. Also, as an FYI, RunKeeper's background "pocket track" only tracks walks that last 15 minutes or more. So these numbers are only walks that I physically tracked myself with the app, or ones that lasted more than 15 minutes. This doesn't include every step I took like walking to and from my car or something like that.

On top of being physically sore, I'm pretty exhausted. I'm still not sleeping great and we only just started cooking [most] of our meals at home last week. So up until now, we were pretty much eating out at restaurants/fast food which has had a toll on me as well.

In addition to being physically sore and exhausted, we've been dealing with a lot of stress with bills and other issues. We've unfortunately been back and forth with whether we wanted to rent or sell our house back in St. Louis. After talking with a management company and looking over the agreement she sent us, we decided being landlords, even with a management company taking care of most things, isn't something we're really up for--mentally or financially. So we are putting our house up for sale.

I'm a little sad about it. It was our first house and we worked really hard to be able to buy it. After owning a home though, I'm not sure it's something I want to do again. At least not for a long time. I know people say renting is just "throwing money away". But if you genuinely don't want to be a homeowner--don't want all of the maintenance and repairs (and costs) that come with it, renting isn't really throwing your money away. And I'm really enjoying living in our little apartment in the city. City life seems to suit us well. And Copper seems to like it too.

So we will soon be listing our house and hoping it sells (and that we don't lose any money on it). Any good thoughts, prayers, etc. you can send our way would be much appreciated. And if you know anyone who is interested in buying a house in the Florissant area, let me know. Once it's listed online, I can post the link.

I hope you all are having a good week, and remember to take care of yourselves!

Goals for 2016

I know I'm a little late getting to these, but here they are (in no particular order).

My primary goal is to live a healthier lifestyle overall. To focus on self-care, both mentally and physically.

• Eat healthy. Most of the time. It's okay to splurge now and then. I really want to find a good balance for myself as far as food goes. I think a lot of my IBS symptoms are more stress-related than food-related. So I think if I just continue to eat a healthy diet (including higher-quality grains and dairy) and manage my stress better, my IBS symptoms might be reduced.
• Be active. I want to continue with the [more] active lifestyle I've had since we moved to Dallas. I'm walking 20+ miles each week (which may go down a bit once I get a job). I'm doing yoga several times a week (almost every day, which again, will probably change once I get a job). I haven't started running down here yet. I want to be a little more familiar with the area before I start that. Overall, I just want to spend less time sitting inside on the couch watching TV. I want to get out and explore (and living in a new city certainly helps!).
• Read more. My goal this year--again--is to read 25 books. I only read about 13 books in 2015, so I hope that if I don't make it to 25, I at least read more than 13. Less TV/movies/Netflix-bingeing. I want to try to read at least a half hour each night before bed to help myself unwind and hopefully sleep better. 
• Unplug more often. Especially during meal times with Chris, family, or friends. But also at least a half hour before bed (no TV, no phone, no computer) to help myself unwind from the day and sleep better. 
• Be present. This goes along with unplugging--putting the phone away at meal times and giving Chris or anyone else I am with my full attention.
• Drink more water and herbal tea. Less beer, wine, and other alcohol. To go with my book before bed, I plan to drink a cup of hot tea (at least while it's cold out--might switch to infused water in the summer). With our move and the holidays, we've done a lot more drinking, and we love trying new, local beers so this will be challenging.
• Be kinder to myself and others. I am my own worst critic. I put myself down more than anyone else and punish myself far too often. It's time for me to change that. Through yoga, I'm learning to honor my body--both on and off the mat. It's a constant work in progress, but I have made some great improvements over the last year and hope to continue that. I also want to work on being kinder to those around me. To Chris, especially. But also to family, friends, and strangers. I can have a short temper (although yoga is helping me with that, too!), and I'm trying to think and breathe through my immediate emotions. I'm trying to put myself in the other person's shoes. Maybe that person cut me off because they're having a rough Monday and are late for work. Maybe the checker at the grocery store just got yelled at by another customer so they aren't feeling too friendly. I'm want to be kind to those who aren't kind to me, because they probably need it most. 
• Have better relationships. I want to make a point to keep in touch with my family and friends on a regular basis, which is especially important now that I'm living out of state and most of my family and friends live in St. Louis. I want all my family and friends to know how important they are to me and to let them know by calling and texting them--not just liking their Facebook posts. I also want to be able to let go of relationships that are no longer healthy or just aren't there at all. I had a "friend" who I regularly called and texted to try to keep in touch, see how she's doing and let her know how I'm doing. But she almost always ignores my messages. So I'm going to let that one go. Friendship is a two-way street and I'd rather put my energy into other friendships.
• Budget, reduce debt, and increase savings. This is something Chris and I will be working on together, but it definitely falls under "self-care" since having less debt = less stress (for me anyway). Chris and I both have student loans, car loans, and credit card debt, though thankfully not a ton of credit card debt. I will probably do some separate posts on our plans for reducing our debt and budgeting in case anyone wants to follow along. (If you're looking for a blog on budgeting and reducing debt, my friend Elise has a great one--her and her husband have made a serious dent in their debt and were my inspiration for wanting to tackle our own debt!)
• Write more. With the wedding, moving to Dallas, and the holidays, I haven't had a lot of time to write. I am working on a book though, and want to make some real progress with that this year. I also want to continue writing poetry. Plus, writing more will allow me to have [long-distance] workshops with one of my good friends, which helps with the better relationships goals too. Ideally, I'd like to get something published this year. So I might make a secondary goal to this one to submit to one literary magazine per month in an attempt to get published. 
• Find a job I love. I've been unemployed (again) for a little under a month. Thankfully, with Chris's job promotion, it isn't imperative that I find a job--any job--right away. Having a job will certainly make budgeting, paying off our debts, and saving easier, though. But my goal here is to take my time and find a job that I truly love. I do have one opportunity on my radar and I'm hoping to get an interview set up for that within the next week or so (I'll let you all know how it goes!). If that doesn't work out, then I will keep looking because I want to find the right job for me. I don't want to just settle on something to say that I have a job. I've had to do that in the past and it made me horribly stressed.

Those are my goals, although I'm sure I think of more to add to this later! What are your goals for 2016? 

Our Big Move!

I know, I know, it's be a while. I promised after the wedding/honeymoon I would write more. And I just haven't. It's really just pure laziness on my part. But also enjoying married life and time with family and friends. Because just a few days ago, we moved from St. Louis to Dallas, Texas!

It all happened really fast. It wasn't a huge surprise, at least not for me. Chris had several job offers in a couple different states, so it was really just a matter of time before we moved. We just weren't sure when or where it would be. It turned out that Texas offered Chris the best opportunity for further advancement. So we made our decision and then told our families...on Thanksgiving. It was not well received by everyone. Especially since we would be moving in just two short weeks from that day and would not be home for Christmas. A couple people even thought we were going to announce that we were pregnant--HA.

I think eventually everyone came around to the idea and we all started to get excited, and I started to get extremely stressed. Up until a couple days before we actually moved, we still hadn't nailed down a place to live. I was so stressed that I ended up having to go see my dentist because I had been having severe jaw pain. He said it was definitely just stress and prescribed me a muscle relaxer. He called a couple days later to see how I was doing--better, but still sore. He said normally once his patients start feeling relief, he takes them off the muscle relaxer, but given the amount of stress I was under, and would be under for at least another week or so, he advised me to take it for the full two weeks.

Thankfully, two days after the move, my jaw pain is completely gone. All my stress now is about where to put all our stuff. Most of our big furniture (stuff that we may want later on down the road) is in a storage unit back home. But we ambitiously brought quite a bit with us. And although our apartment is a 2-bedroom, we really have less space than we thought we would (that's what happens when you have to lease an apartment sight-unseen).

Overall, I think we ended up in a good location. We're just a couple miles from Parkland Memorial Hospital (because we all know how accident-prone I am) and we're very, very close to Love Field airport. So it's LOUD. It's definitely been an adjustment for all of us. I think Copper is enjoying all the walks she gets to go on now, and I'm enjoying the exercise!

We've still got some unpacking to do--mostly decorations and such that will need to be hung on the walls somewhere. Once we get some more of these boxes out of here, I'll post pictures! :)

My Experiment

As I mentioned in a previous post, we did a lot of walking on our honeymoon, especially after meals. We’d eat breakfast then head over to the beach. We’d eat lunch or dinner on the board walk and then walk around for a while before heading back to the condo. I felt pretty great the whole time we were down there. Sure, there were a couple times where I probably just ate the wrong thing and I paid for it. But for the most part, I felt good, and that was a really nice change from how I had felt in the months and weeks leading up to the wedding. 

I do think stress plays a pretty large role in my IBS, and wedding planning is about as stressful as it gets (I hope). So I’m a lot less stressed now and I’m sure that’s making a difference in how I’m feeling. But I’m also making an effort to walk after as many meals as possible, even if it’s a short walk. 

Right now, I’m walking after breakfast 2-3 days a week and just about every day after lunch. Walking after lunch is a little tricky because I only get 30 minutes for lunch. So to make sure I have enough time for a decent walk, I only have about 15 minutes to eat. I’ve been averaging close to half a mile each day after lunch. Then, on the days I don’t have yoga, I try to take Copper for a walk after dinner. 

I’m not doing a Whole30 right now. In fact, I’m still kind of ignoring my “sensitivities”. I’ve been eating gluten and dairy almost daily (and yes, sometimes I’m eating way too much of it), and I can honestly say I have felt better in the last month than I have in the past year, even with all the Whole30’s I’ve done. I’m sure if I were doing a Whole30 right now, I might feel even better. But for now, my stomach hurts a lot less and I’m spending less time in the bathroom and that’s a huge deal for me. 

I’m going to continue to eat what I want for the most part and continue walking after as many meals as possible to see if this keeps working for me. So far, I’m very happy with the results!  

TWO WEEKS!

I made it to about day 32 of my Whole30: Project Wedding before we had a cheat meal. It was totally worth it. We went to Dogs 'n Frys for dinner Sunday night and it was delicious. First of all, they have TURKEY corn dogs. So I always get a corn dog. Second, they not only have turkey bacon but also TURKEY PEPPERONI. And let me tell you, as a person who is not a pepperoni fan, I actually liked this. So I got a loaded pizza corn dog with loaded fries to go with it. Like I said: Worth. It.  

I'd say I'm still eating paleo 90-95% of the time if not more. I did start having smoothies for breakfast a few days a week. They're a little less harsh on my stomach than my standard eggs and sausage were. [Starting to think I may have an egg sensitivity...] Tonight I had some tortilla chips with melted cheese. 

With both of these "cheat meals" (or whatever you want to call them), I did not have any immediate reaction. Of course I do pay for eating this way eventually. It's just baffling that when I eat healthy foods/foods I'm not sensitive to, my stomach gets upset almost immediately. But then I have something like this and--nothing. IBS would be slightly more tolerable if it was at least consistent. 

Two weeks from tomorrow I'll be getting married! I thankfully don't have much left to do. Just a few little things. I'm trying really hard not to worry or stress. It's. So. Hard. That's what she said. 

Although I'm really excited/nervous/anxious for the day itself, I'm also extremely excited for everything that comes after it. There are so many things we've been putting off until after the wedding and I'm ready to get started on those! And I can't wait to get back into freelancing. [And having the time and energy to take on those projects.]

I will also be glad once I can go to the doctor. I'm planning on seeing a specialist about all of my stomach issues sometime after the wedding. Pretty sure the next step is a colonoscopy (yuck). I've been keeping a journal of literally everything that goes in and out of my body. I want to be able to show whatever doctor I see that I have changed my diet and cut out foods I'm sensitive to and I'm still not seeing any improvements. It's time to move on to whatever the next step is because eliminating gluten and dairy has made almost no difference. And, from my experience, that's almost always they first thing they suggest. Been there. Done that.

I realize IBS can be made worse with stress, and there are few things more stressful than planning a wedding, so I'm sure that's not helping. But I'm not expecting a huge improvement in my symptoms after the wedding. And let me tell you, trying to follow a strict diet is kind of stressful too. Food has been the source of several arguments in our house. Mainly we get tired of eating the same things over and over again, but have a really hard time finding new and delicious (but also incredibly easy) meals to eat. 

I really need to do some yoga. We don't have class again until the Wednesday night before the wedding (which I'm not sure I'll make it to). Probably a good thing with all the things I have to do in the evenings over the next two weeks, but I miss it. It's definitely a stress-reliever for me.

Right now, I'm trying to just breathe deeply and think happy thoughts about sitting next to my hubby on the beach ;) 

IBS is a Crap Diagnosis

Whole30 pro tip: Mindlessly eating healthy food in front of the tv will make you feel as bad as mindlessly eating junk food in front of the tv. Lesson learned. Always be mindful of what you're putting in your body (and how much of it).

Today is day 31 of my Whole30: Project Wedding and I have to admit, I'm feeling pretty discouraged. This is my fourth or fifth Whole30 over the last year. That's almost half a year of eating paleo. And for the most part, when I'm not Whole30-ing, I eat fairly healthy. I definitely notice a difference in how I feel when I'm not eating paleo/Whole30 though. I'm more tired, I constantly feel bloated, my clothes just don't fit right, I'm always uncomfortable, my eczema comes back, and I get a lot more pimples. One thing doesn't ever seem to change, no matter how healthy I eat, and that's my stomach/digestive issues.

I've been dealing with this since roughly my senior year of high school (which was EIGHT years ago). Back then and during college, I attributed those problems to all the junk food I ate back then, especially during college. Over the last year and a half, I've cleaned up my diet. In fact, the Whole30 helped me discover food allergies I had no idea I had. The hives that I had broken out in numerous times prior to that and during my first Whole30 completely stopped once I cut out beef and pork. To my disappointment, none of those food allergies were the cause of my stomach issues.

I had an extremely hard week a few months back and ended up at the doctor's office. I had to do tests and give samples (you don't even want to know how gross that is...and for those of you who do know, I'm sorry). The doctor's diagnosis? That particular bad week was probably food poisoning. But overall, I probably just have IBS. She gave me a muscle relaxer to help with the pain and cramping I experience and told me to "just take Immodium whenever I need it."

I accepted that for a few days. Then I decided that I'm an otherwise healthy 26 year old woman and I don't want to take copius amounts of muscle relaxers and Immodium pretty much every day for who knows how long. IBS is a crap diagnosis, in my opinion. And after our wedding and honeymoon is over, I will be going to see a specialist to get more/better answers. I will not accept that someone who is young, healthy, eats paleo at least 90% of the time, and exercises regularly has to take medication daily for potentially the rest of my life.

Frankly, it's just not fair. I started the Whole30 way back when to try to eliminate the problems I was having so that I'd be 100% healthy for our wedding and honeymoon. No one wants to feel like this on their wedding day, in a white dress of all things. And yet, here I am, less than a month before the wedding, and my situation has not gotten better. Sure, I now know a few things that definitely exacerbate my problems, like coffee (which I avoid most days, but sometimes, the need for caffeine is more important). But I can't seem to further pinpoint exactly which foods are giving me problems--if any.

I can't help but feel frustrated and disappointed. There are a lot of things I wanted to do before the wedding that aren't happening now (and really just aren't important), like getting my teeth whitened. But I just wanted to feel perfectly healthy on my wedding day. I didn't want to have to worry about how my stomach would feel that day. But here I am, worried about how my dress will fit. Will I be bloated? What if I have to go once my dress is already on? What if I eat the wrong thing at some point throughout the day? What if the alcohol I drink makes me sick?

Everyone keeps saying everything will be fine. And almost everything will be fine. But the likelihood that I will feel like literal crap on my wedding day is very high because that area of my life seems to be completely out of my control.

Heartbreaking, Soul-Crushing Job Search

It feels like the longer I'm unemployed and looking for a job, the more discouraged I get.

Almost two weeks ago I took an editing test for a job I applied for. The job sounded great, the company sounded great. So when I got an email saying that they'd like me to come in for an interview, I was extremely excited. My interview was Monday. I was nervous, but feeling pretty confident. During my interview, I was told that I was the only applicant to get a perfect score on the editing test.

I was ecstatic to find that out. It definitely boosted my confidence through the rest of the interview, which I thought went really, really well. I honestly thought it was the best interview I had ever done. I was confident I would get a call asking me to come in for a second interview and/or a job offer. I felt like I really got along well with my interviewers and one of them remarked several times that they felt I was very qualified for the job.

So when I got an email this morning, I held my breath, hoping and praying that it would be to ask me to come in for that second interview. Instead, it said that it was determined that my skills and experience were not a sufficient match for the position.

Needless to say, I'm heartbroken. And angry. I'm mad that I worked so hard and didn't get the job. I'm mad that getting a perfect score on an editing test and several years of editing experience wasn't enough. I'm mad that I let myself get so confident and excited about this job.

I have been busting my butt since October applying for jobs. All I have to show for it is a part-time writing job and a whole lot of rejection. It is frustrating and exhausting. It's really difficult to get out of bed every morning with nowhere to go and force myself to sit at my computer and search for jobs for a few hours every day. Almost every day of the week I comb through job after job after job trying to find something that I'm qualified for.

This whole process is discouraging, depressing, infuriating, exhausting, and many other things. I don't want to have to start looking for jobs in retail just to have a job. I don't want to get stuck in a job I don't like because I couldn't find anything else. I want the dream job. Or at least a job that's a stepping-stone to the dream job. I don't want to have to settle.

It's so hard to keep going with this job search when I get rejected almost daily. It's incredibly hard not to snap at people who say "you'll find something," "keep your head up," etc. Those things are not comforting to hear. Especially after I've been hearing them for months now. It's hard to pretend that everything is okay and I'm not constantly worried about money. It's hard to keep going with this job search every day.

It's hard, it's frustrating, heartbreaking, soul-crushing.

Lacking Motivation or Something

Sorry it's been a while (again). You'd think with all the time off I've had with the holiday and snow days I'd be more rested and have the time and energy to write, but I just haven't for some reason. I'm not sure if it's been lack of inspiration/motivation, the overwhelming feelings of anxiety/dread/depression from having zero luck in finding a job coupled with all the bills I keep getting that I obviously can't afford to pay if I'm unemployed, plus all the Christmas gifts I have to buy, which I also can't afford. Probably a combination of all those things. Oh and it's cold. Super-duper-stupid cold:

It's blurry, but that says it was 5 degrees at 7:03 this morning.
Yuck.

Quitting school definitely helped me de-stress and I was completely relieved when I did it. But the way things keep piling up is stressing me out all over again. 

I've applied for around 20-ish jobs since October (I applied for a few jobs before that and got rejections on those). Of those 20-something jobs just since then, I've gotten one response, which was a no, but at least it was a response. 

It's starting to look like I'll be working retail or something for a while until I can find something better/in my field. 

I've also begun to look more seriously at trying to get some freelance gigs. Whether I'm working or not, I could definitely use the extra cash. 

The best news I've gotten this week is that they interviewed and picked someone to take over my job. Since we're technically on a hiring freeze until Jan. 1 or 2, she can't be officially hired or start any time before then, but it's definitely a relief to know that someone will be taking over not long after I've left. Plus she's a friend of mine, super smart, nice, and funny. Training her shouldn't be a problem. And that's a big relief. 

One less thing I have to stress over (which really means I can put more of my "energy" into stressing over my upcoming unemployment and bills--yay).

So if any of you happen to need or know someone who needs a freelance writer or editor, please contact me about it! Or if you happen to know of any businesses in the area that are hiring. I would really appreciate all the help! 

I sincerely hope not all of you are dealing with the snow, ice, and well-below freezing temps that we are here! It's no fun! And has made me realize I could really use some kind of boots that aren't just "fashion." 

Also please try to give to others in need this season--and all year round, really. There are many, many people out there who are much worse off than most of us are and could really use some help. So give what you can: time, money, a shoulder to cry on, a meal or two, etc. You could really make a difference in someone else's day/week/month/year. 

Weekend Recap

New glasses! :)

I went to pick up my new glasses and contacts last Friday. It's so nice to be able to wear contacts again (and sunglasses!) and glasses that are nice and light. 

We had a couple events in St. Louis on Friday for our newest book: 

We had a great turnout for both events. I love getting the opportunity to meet the authors and hear them tell their stories. Unfortunately we didn't sell quite as much as we had hoped due to time constraints at the second event, but we sold a decent amount of books. While everyone else went out to a fancy dinner that night after the second event (which was at the STL Public Library and that building is so cool!), I went home to eat pizza with Chris and then sleep.

I've been so exhausted lately. And that's making me cranky. It's really bumming me out that I just don't have the energy to go out and do stuff. I got my oil changed Saturday, we took Copper, our horribly behaved dog, for a walk on Sunday, and had dinner with my parents later that night. And that's really about all I did. I didn't clean or do any of the other things I should have.

Probably the best thing to happen all weekend was that I was asked to send in my resume for a possible job! I really hope something works out with that one because it would be an amazing organization to work for. Fingers crossed!!

Who's ready for Thanksgiving? On the one hand I'm totally excited to only have to drive in to work 2 days next week, but on the other hand, it means Christmas is too close for comfort. I have gifts to buy (with money I don't have) and places to go, etc, etc. I'm looking forward to the family time and stuff, but I'm also really hoping for some time to just rest next week. I need it. Badly.

I'm starting to feel sick, even though I've been taking Vitamin-C regularly, drinking a lot of water, eating fruits and veggies, etc. I'm hoping it's just allergies and nothing worse. I don't think I can handle getting sick and needing more medicine.

I hope you all had a fantastic weekend!

I'm Back!

I know it's been quite a while since I've written on here :( Because of my recent move and grad school, I had to take a little break from the blog to focus on everything else.

We've been living in our new house for about a month and a half now and it's been pretty wonderful. I love the house, I love living in St. Louis again and getting to see my family more often.

Spending 4 hours a day in my car really sucks though. And school on top of that? Well that was a recipe for disaster. Technically, I'm only in my car an extra half hour each way than I was before when we were living in Farmington. I didn't think that would make that much of a difference, but it totally did.

I was exhausted, cranky, felt like I was wasting lots and lots of my time and money, angry, depressed, etc. So I made the decision to quit grad school. At least for now. My last day at my current job is the beginning of January and I have to have a job by then. Spending a ton of time on school work that I wasn't interested in doing in the first place became even more frustrating when I knew that was precious time that could be better spent elsewhere, like looking for jobs.

So I quit. And I feel so relieved. I now have a little bit more time in the evenings and tons more time on weekends to scour the internet and apply for jobs (I've applied for 4 or 5 so far...not having a ton of luck). Plus, I get to spend my extra time doing stuff I actually want to be doing like reading books I'm interested in reading, and maybe running again! It's been a very, very long time since I've gone for a run. I'm hoping to change that soon though!

Here are a few other things that have happened lately:

My aunt and uncle had a baby! Contrary to what certain people may think, I'm extremely happy for them. I'm just not a baby-person, so I'm not all gushy over her and holding her and whatnot. But as far as babies go, she's pretty darn cute (coming from a person who thinks most newborns look like tiny aliens). Her name is Madison and she's about 3 weeks old now. So her and I will hang out in like 3 years. lol

Copper got fixed. Finally. It was expensive. And kind of stressful. Although those sedatives they gave us to give to her were awesome for a while. Until they were gone. And she chewed through her cone. Yep that's my dog. And she'll be a year old on Monday the 11th! I can't believe she'll be 1 already. :( And yes, we're getting her a doggie cake and a party hat!

As I already said, I quit school. It was a difficult decision to make, but once I made it, I felt so incredibly relieved. I'm not saying I'll never go back and finish my master's at some point, but now is just not that time. I'm ready to have a career I love and be able to come home at night and go for a run or read or watch movies or do whatever the heck I want because I don't have homework to do.

I got hit in the face with one of Copper's toys and broke my glasses. That started as a fantastic day and turned into a crappy one real fast. So now I'm stuck wearing the glasses I hate until I can go to the eye doctor this Friday and get a new prescription for contacts and glasses (I can't wait to wear contacts again!). Lack of contacts is part of the reason I haven't started running (or trying to run) again since quitting school. I just can't wear these glasses and run. Doesn't work for me.

I think that's just about everything. The important stuff anyway. I tried several times and several different ways to upload photos to add to this post, but I'm still having problems with it, so no pics for this one. I will keep trying to figure it out and hopefully I'll be able to add some photos to one of the next posts (which I promise will not be months from now!).

Thanks for stopping by to catch up! I hope you all have been doing well!

Falling Off the Wagon

Last week I fell off the "30-Day Squat Challenge" wagon. Hard. Tuesday was my first day of classes and it went pretty well. I had a decent day over all even though I had gotten little sleep the night before: class was good, and I was looking forward to going home, doing my squats and then relaxing.

Instead, I came home to a house that smelled of poop. I had no clue which animal had done it or where, but I knew what it was the second I walked in. I wanted to cry. Of course, it was Copper. She had diarrhea. And she had managed to get it all over her kennel and herself. So I had to clear all of the cat's stuff out of the bathroom so I could give the dog a bath (still in my nice work clothes--didn't want to risk her getting her poop-covered self on any of the furniture). She was not happy about the bath, which she made quite clear when she got out and shook off, soaking everything in the bathroom.

I made a few attempts to dry her off then set out to clean her kennel. I wanted to puke. It smelled so, so bad. Meanwhile, she went and took a little nap on the couch. While she was still soaking wet. On top of all that, I couldn't even shower until later that night because Chris was working late.

Needless to say I did not get any sort of workout accomplished that night. The next day was my other class, Advanced Publishing, which is my night class. I had coffee twice that day because I was so exhausted. The class was good though. We watched Helvetica (if you're into typography and that sort of thing, you should watch it) which was pretty good. I'm pretty sure it's on Netflix, so once we move and have better internet, I might watch the whole thing. Since I work all day on Wednesdays and then have night class (not to mention the fact that I was exhausted), I didn't work out that day either.

By my afternoon class on Thursday I was completely off the wagon. I had given up hope of working out at all that week, or on catching back up on the squat challenge.

I spent the weekend doing homework, laundry, and napping. Copper's diarrhea slowly went away (thank God!!) and she's doing much better now.

Labor Day marked Year Two for me and Chris. We stopped at the Boat House in Forest Park for a beer and then went to the Zoo (mainly to see the sea lions!). After that we went to Pi for a late lunch and then headed home. Aside from burning my fingers with hot grease from our breakfast (much better now but hurt like hell at the time!), it was a really great day :)

Despite all the obnoxious kids that kept getting
in the way, I was able to get a couple good pics.

The Sea Lions/Underwater Tunnel is definitely
my new favorite place at the Zoo :)

Cute little elephant :)

View from one of our favorite spots.

Grizzly bear!

And last, but not least, the penguins!

I hope you all had a fun, safe Labor Day! Sorry that I also seem to have fallen off the "blogging wagon" as well. I promise I'll try to write more regularly ("try" being the key word there!). 

Grad School: Year 2 Starts Today!

My "last weekend of summer" was pretty good. Spent time with my family, went to the Cards game Sunday (which they lost...), and went to see our new house (which isn't quite ready yet). 

Before I show you pictures of the house, here's a couple of the coffee table Chris made:

Copper wouldn't get out of the picture. 

We also got a brown slip cover for our futon, since we can't
buy a new couch just yet thanks to the dog! 

And now for the house! It's being inspected this week (I think), so hopefully we'll be able to move in a couple weeks. 

Front of the house. Adorable :)

Itty-bitty, teeny-tiny kitchen--with no dishwasher! But it's
so cute :)

Front door/living room

Bathroom (yes, those walls are purple, lol)

Dining room

Copper's big back yard :)

Back of the house: on the right side is the garage, and the
doorway in the middle is the breezeway/mudroom. 

I can't wait to move!! Hopefully we find out this week a set date so we can start planning and packing! 

In other news, I'm on day 8 or 9 of my 30-day squat challenge. It's going pretty well so far. We'll see how I do once school is in full-gear. 

Speaking of which, I have my first class of the semester today. I'm so glad it's not my night class because I didn't get much sleep last night. I woke up around 2am sneezing and coughing. Finally I just got up around 4:30am. Not fun :( So my Tuesday/Thursday afternoon class is Contemporary American Poetry and my Wednesday night class is Advanced Literary Publishing. I'm excited for both classes. I think this is going to be a pretty great (although probably exhausting) semester! 

And just for fun, here are a couple pics of Copper and Cocoa :)

Left this laundry basket out for her all weekend
while we were gone. Both of her toy mice were
in it when we got back lol

Copper had to sit at my feet on our way back
on Sunday. Luckily, she behaved most of the way.
She did not behave herself most of the weekend though :(

News!!

This past Saturday we had my dad's 50th birthday party. It was a lot of fun! Here's a couple pics from the day:

My sister, my dad, and me :)

Just me and dad :)
He got about 8 or 9 bottles of crown!
Definitely enough for another party! ;)

This is my Aunt Rose. She's the best.
But she lives in NC, so I don't get to see
her much :( 

So while we were drinking and eating and having a good time, Chris and I were talking to my cousins about this house they're fixing up. It's a 2-bedroom, 1-bath in Florissant and they said they'd rent it to us. We kind of laughed about it and let it go since we had never even considered living in Florissant. 

Well come Sunday we were driving back to Farmington and thinking, depending on what the house is like and how much they'd charge us for rent, it could be worth looking into at the very least. So we drove all the way back to Florissant just to go look at the house. And we loved it. The back yard is huge and has a nice patio. It has a one-car garage, a breezeway/mudroom type thing, and a good-sized basement. The only downside is that there's no dishwasher (but we generally eat off of paper plates most of the time anyway...) and there isn't a ton of storage in the bathroom. The closets are also a little small, but we figure with the basement and garage, that should give us plenty of extra storage for all the stuff we don't use on a regular basis. 

I called them on Tuesday to tell them that we officially want to rent it so it should be ready for us sometime in September. For those of you who are wondering, yes, this adds another half hour or so to my drive. Which will suck. But I have a couple options. 

I can always stay in Cape a couple nights if I really have to. And I'm hoping I'll be able to keep working from home at least one day a week. But I've also decided to start looking for jobs in St. Louis, even if they're just part time. I've got a few reasons for this. 

First, I'm already exhausted and I'm not even in school right now. So adding more time to my drive, plus classes is gonna make that worse. Second, because I'm doing so much driving, I'm spending a ton on gas and car maintenance. Yes, working for the university means I only pay 30% of my tuition, but it also means that I get almost none of the loan money I get approved for (I don't understand why this is but I guess they figure if most of my tuition is covered I don't need the extra money). So this semester--before we even decided to move to Florissant--I decided I wasn't going to take the tuition discount, because I get all of my loan money that way, which I need. So whether I continue working for the university or not, I'm not using that discount anymore, so I figured I might as well start looking in St. Louis. I'll just have to find a place that's willing to work around my class schedule. 

There's too much math involved to really get into the details. But basically if Chris and I are living and working in St. Louis and I'm only driving to school a couple days a week (instead of 5), we'll save a ton on gas and all that. 

And we get to switch our internet to AT&T! Unfortunately that means paying HughesNet's outrageous cancellation fees. But once that's done, we'll be paying about the same amount for cable and internet as what we're paying for internet alone now. So we'll be saving a lot of money as far as stuff like that goes once we move. 

We're super excited about the house and can't wait to move. The fact that we're so close to moving makes our current house seem that much more unbearable. 

Things will definitely suck for a while with all the driving and possible staying in Cape that I will have to do. But when we talked about it and whether we thought it was a good idea or not, we had to think long-term. I'll be starting my last semester of school this time next year. And we had plans of moving back to St. Louis after I finished school anyway regardless of where we were living at the time. Plus, my cousin said if we want to buy the house from him in a couple years, he'd sell it to us for pretty dang cheap. And we already know we like the city and the area and want to stay there, so if we end up loving the house too, why not buy it? So, thinking long-term, we just couldn't pass this up. 

Plus Copper is going to love that back yard! 

First year of Grad School

So now that I've had a decent break from school (right before my summer class starts, haha), I thought I'd do a little reflection on my first year of grad school. 

In a lot of ways, it was what I had expected, but in some ways it wasn't. My first semester was far better than the second. I had an American Lit class and an editing class and enjoyed both of them. It got a little stressful at times, but I managed. And I got A's in both classes. I was proud of myself for accomplishing that in addition to the stress of moving back in October and adjusting to much, much longer days and a really long commute. It was exhausting. But I made it work. 

Second semester came around and I was a little nervous. I took poetry, which I was excited about, but I also had to take that dreaded research class and I had heard many, many terrible, horrible things about it. And it lived up to just about every one of them. It wasn't a particularly hard class, but it was extremely time consuming. Which meant for me that I spent all day Saturday and sometimes Sunday doing homework for just that class, plus occasionally making trips to the library during the week. 

That class was horrible and stressful and made me consider quitting a couple times. And, as it turns out (and as most people had warned), the class was pretty useless. Most of the people I heard that from were people doing a creative thesis. Which meant that the class was even more useless for me because the editing project I'm going to do is brand new so my teacher really didn't know what I should do or how to help me. That made it even more difficult for me to stay focused and put in all the effort I needed to in that class...why should I if it isn't helping me in any way? 

But, I did. I worked my butt off all semester--now not only did I have long days and a long commute, but my night classes were back to back (Wednesday/Thursday) which was even more exhausting, plus I had a puppy who really got a kick out of interrupting my homework time with all her shenanigans. 

In the end, I got A's in both classes. And I'm proud of myself. Toward the middle of last semester I had to really figure out what I'd be doing for my thesis. I went back and forth for a while between doing a creative thesis or doing the editing project, mainly because the editing project hadn't been approved yet, and I didn't want to get started on it only to find out I couldn't actually do it. 

Eventually it did get approved, so I decided to be the pioneer of the editing project. Seriously. I'm the only person currently in the program who is doing it. No pressure. So I have the book that I'll be editing. I've done a little research (which I had to do for that god awful class last semester--about the only thing that class was good for). Now I just need to actually start it. I'm having trouble motivating myself to do it though. After editing and stuff at work, it's hard to want to do all that work on my project later when I'm at home. 

Plus, my online class starts next week (I should probably figure that out for sure), and I'm working from home on Fridays. I'm guessing what I really need to do is just pick a specific time(s) each week to work on it. Part of me wants to wait until my class starts to see how much I'm going to need to do for that, but another part knows that if I do that, I'll just make more excuses not to get started on it. 

I have until Fall of next year to finish it though. And I know the longer I procrastinate, the worse it will be later and I'll have to become a hermit just to get it finished in time. Yikes. The good thing is that I'm not taking an actual class next summer. I'm taking my "thesis hours" so I get credit just for working on my thesis all summer. That should help a little. 

And I'd like to thank you all for taking time out of your days to read about all this nonsense. I do appreciate it! :) 

Copper loves her blankies :)