Doing the Best I Can: March Updates

It's been a while since I posted an update for you guys, so while I have some free time (and by "free time" I mean waiting for a response so I can actually start working on a project), I thought I'd do a little writing here.

First, I know you are all dying to know what's new in the Mold Saga. Unfortunately, it's not good news. Our apartment was inspected and it was found that one of the windows is actually leaking, causing a significant buildup of moisture on the windowsill and the floor below. They didn't find moisture in the bathroom in our bedroom, but that's probably because we stopped using it. Basically, although the inspector recommended installing exhaust fans and replacing the windows, the owner said no. We were told to just leave the doors open while we shower (which we were already doing, in addition to hanging our wet towels outside the bathroom to dry) and to wipe off any condensation on the windows. Meanwhile, we all continue to be sick and poor Copper has been wearing the "cone of shame" for a week and a half now. I have contacted a lawyer and am waiting to see if we have a case to sue the owner over this. If not, then we're stuck with our moldy apartment until December when our lease is up.

My poor baby! We did buy her a "comfy" cone that's a little softer (and reusable). But every time we take it off, she immediately starts scratching her face. :(

Remember way back when I said I was giving up bananas and avocados since they can be cross-reactive in people with latex allergies? Well I gave up bananas for almost a month. Then I had one banana every day for three days in a row. I noticed zero changes except remembering that I'm really burnt out on bananas and I enjoyed not eating one every day. I gave up avocados for a shorter period of time, because guacamole. Again, I didn't notice any difference with or without avocados in my diet. I'm currently under a lot of stress right now with the problems in our apartment, trying to sell our house, and a lot of other stuff. I may revisit this idea in the future, but I think right now, I'm done experimenting with my diet. I'm going to continue trying to eat as healthy as I can for as cheaply as I can (with a few convenience frozen pizzas thrown in here and there), otherwise I might go insane.

I do have some good news to share, though. A few weeks back I had two job interviews. One for a job I was really interested in and the other was for a job I applied for only because I was qualified and was at a point where I just needed a job. It wasn't something I truly wanted to be doing. Well, I didn't get an offer from the one I was interested in, but I did get an offer from the other one. I initially accepted it, but around the same time, I landed a freelance writing gig. The more I did the writing and the more I realized I might have to give it up if I took a full time job, the less and less I wanted that job. If I was going to give up writing, it definitely needed to be for a job I really wanted. After crunching some numbers and deciding we could make it work, I turned down the full time job offer. I am currently writing [almost] full time and also working a part-time job. It's definitely not as much money as I'd like to be making, and it means we won't be making much progress on paying off our debt anytime soon, but I'm already much happier and feel so relieved that I don't have to take a job I don't want just for the money. I took a risk, and I'm hoping it pays off!

I've got a lot going on, some of which I may write about later in a separate post. Right now, I'm spending almost all day, every day writing and it makes me immensely happy, so I'm trying to focus on that.

February Recap

Copper and I walked 125-ish miles this month! That’s 20-ish more than January! (Remember, my app isn’t 100% accurate, so it might be more.) I can’t believe how much we walked! And March is off to a good start as well (thanks mostly to the nice weather). 

As far as my goals for the year go, I’ve been slacking a bit. We haven’t made any progress toward budgeting/paying off our debts because I still don’t have a full-time job. (You can read about my frustration with job hunting here.) I do have a part-time, work-from-home job that I started recently, but I’m still training and not getting regular projects yet. Hopefully once I really get started with that we’ll have some extra money to start tackling our debt. I’m also hoping to start a retail position soon, which would also be part time, to earn some extra money while I’m still looking for a full-time job. I do have a potential freelance client in the works as well, so that will be helpful too! I created an online resume/portfolio in the hopes that it will help me land a great job. Check it out and let me know what you think! Any feedback is appreciated! 

I’ve finished reading two books so far this year, but have made zero progress on writing my own book, so that’s a bummer. I need to ramp up my writing this month. We are trying to be better about eating at home more, both to save money and eat healthier. We’re not doing as great as I would like for us to do on that front, but I think after we realized just how much we spent eating out last week, we will make more of an effort to eat at home! 

For those of you following along with our Mold Saga, our problems continue. They were supposed to install exhaust fans in the bathrooms on Monday, but the electrician said there was some duct work that needed to be done prior to the installation, so he said he would let them know and then left. I haven’t heard anything since. So today I put in another work order asking about the status of the duct work/exhaust fans and also asking what will be done to remove the existing mold (because exhaust fans are only going to prevent new mold from growing). I am allergic to mold and feel like I’ve been sick since shortly after we moved here. My asthma has gotten worse, my sinuses are constantly congested, my eyes get itchy and watery, and my throat hurts almost daily. Chris has started showing similar symptoms as well (although I think he’s slightly better off since he isn’t home all day, every day like I am), and Copper licks and chews on her paws constantly, which may or may not be related to the mold. So it’s becoming a serious health issue for all of us, which I made sure to include in my work order request. 

Unfortunately, my thumb isn't as green as I had hoped and my poor English Ivy plant doesn’t look like it’s going to make it. It got really droopy in our bedroom and I thought it wasn’t getting enough light, so I moved it out to the kitchen where there’s a lot more light throughout most of the day, but it just keeps getting droopier. I also thought I was overwatering it, so I’ve lightened up on that quite a bit, but it’s still not perking back up. 

When I first potted the plant and put it in our bedroom, I noticed a big difference in how I felt almost immediately. That only lasted for a few days though. Once it started drooping, I went back to feeling crappy. I’ve tried to look online for solutions to get it to perk back up and save it, but nothing has worked, and I’m constantly reading conflicting opinions. Some articles I read seem to think ivy does better in shade or indirect light, while others say they need more sunlight. Most have said not to over-water, so I’m trying to let the soil dry out more in between waterings, but that hasn’t helped. If anyone has any experience with indoor ivy plants and has any suggestions for saving this poor guy (and me!), let me know! 

Here’s to hoping March is full of good things, like a full-time job, an offer on our house (we recently lowered the price!), and no more mold!  

Job Hunting is a lot like Dating

I will admit, it’s been quite a few years since I’ve dated, and even longer since I was going on semi-frequent dates with different people, looking for the right person to date long-term. I have, however, conducted many job searches over the past couple years, and the whole process (which is extremely flawed, but that’s another post altogether), feels a lot like dating.

I did have an online dating profile—briefly—back in college, but it was more as a joke, and I never actually met anyone in person. Today’s job search feels pretty similar to what online dating is like. You create an online profile/image for yourself that potential employers will view and judge you by before they even consider sending you an email or giving you a phone call to potentially set up an interview. In the same way with dating sites and apps, you’re being judged by your picture, your description, your hobbies and interests, and so on.

In the dating world, as with the job search, there are all these “rules”, which seem to constantly change. You want to appear interested, and in a job search, persistent, but you don’t want to come off as desperate or needy—so don’t call or email too often. You should wait a certain amount of time before calling/texting/emailing. I’ve seen varying opinions on whether you should include a cover letter, how long your resume should be (stick to one page, or is more okay?), etc. 

After you speak on the phone, perhaps more than once, you decide to meet in person. You wear your best outfit, try to ask the right questions, and give intriguing, appropriate answers to their questions. You leave the date/interview thinking it went really well. Maybe there will be a second. But even after the first, you're already invested—you've gotten to know them and they’ve gotten to know you; you've gotten a peek at what it would be like to work there/be with them, what the day-to-day might be like, maybe it’s the dream job (or the job that could turn into the dream job—or the person you can picture yourself with long-term…marriage, kids, retirement, etc.). They tell you they’ll be in touch, and if you’re lucky, they give you a specific date.

You wait around, sometimes hearing nothing on the other end. Did you say/do something wrong? Did you have lipstick smudged on your teeth? You wait and wait for the appropriate number of days to pass before it’s deemed acceptable for you to call or email and check in (10-ish business days after an interview, unless they gave you a specific date, in which case, if you don’t hear from them on said date, you should wait another day or two before reaching out so you don’t look too desperate—insert eye-roll emoji here).

Sometimes, you get ghosted. The other person just disappears, ignoring your emails and phone calls. You’re left still wondering what you did wrong, with no feedback as to what you could do to improve (okay, getting feedback from a date might be weird/awkward). Other times, you get the rejection email/text/phone call. “It’s not you, it’s me.” “I met someone else.” “You were a qualified candidate, but we chose a candidate whose skills and qualifications best meet our current needs."

Now you have to deal with that rejection. You’re angry, then sad, maybe even depressed. “What’s wrong with me?” “Why doesn’t anyone want me?” “What am I doing wrong?” It honestly takes some time to get over it, move on, and put yourself back out there, because you had been picturing yourself with that person/company, you had imagined your future together, and with a quick email, all of that is gone. So you have to get over it and move on, and if you’re unemployed, you have to do this more quickly than you might have to in other situations. You have to put yourself back out there and go through it all over again, risk the rejection and heartbreak all over again. Because as the job-seeker, you don’t get to be the cold and distant one who says “It was great to meet with you and we’ll be in touch soon”. It’s expected that you’ll be enthusiastic and eager and show genuine interest each and every time, because potential employers don’t want cold and distant employees. 

January Recap: 100 Miles and Beyond

Copper and I surpassed 100 miles walked last Saturday! In total, we probably walked closer to 105, and probably surpassed it before Saturday since my app never seems to be accurate. Either way, 100 miles in one month is probably the most I've ever walked and it felt great to accomplish that!

In regards to some of my other goals that I set for myself this year, some have been going well, others have not. I've been doing a pretty good job of turning off the TV and putting my phone away at least a half hour to an hour before bed and then making myself a cup of tea and reading a book. I finally finished reading Anna Karenina on Sunday night (actually, it was Monday morning thanks to my newfound insomnia). I have been reading that book on and off since September, so it felt really good to finally put that monster to bed.

Unfortunately, all the tea and reading and relaxing before bed hasn't seemed to help me sleep--it's just helping me get books read. Still searching for things to help me actually sleep. I've tried a white noise app which didn't help at all. I've tried calming music which helps me relax, but doesn't seem to help me fall asleep. I used ear plugs the past two nights. The first night, I slept great. Last night, not so much. I tossed and turned all night and I assume I slept some, but it was not very restful. So sleeping in our new Dallas apartment is still a work-in-progress for me (Chris seems to be able to sleep anywhere and any time after 7pm).

We've been doing okay about unplugging in general (i.e. during meals), but not great. We are cooking at home almost 5 days a week now and are making small attempts to make those meals healthier (sometimes they're really healthy, sometimes we make a frozen pizza). I feel that I'm doing a pretty good job on keeping up with family and friends and having better relationships, but there's definitely room for improvement there.

I did very little writing in January, but I've got some ideas floating around that I need to get on paper this month. I also did not submit anything in an attempt to get published. So I will try to remedy that this month as well. And as far as finding a job I love, well I have an interview tomorrow, so please send prayers, good thoughts/vibes, etc. my way!

Because I'm still unemployed, we haven't made much progress on budgeting and reducing our debt. It's hard to really add extra money to debt payments when we're living on one income and unfortunately don't have any savings. My hope is that once I have a job, we can really buckle down and focus on not only paying off our debts, but building up our savings, so that we're prepared for any future emergencies (medical, auto, etc.), or for any future unemployment (although I hope that never happens again!).

I was sick for most of last week, so I skipped yoga Wednesday-Friday. I finally went back on Saturday for a sound mediation class. Then I skipped again this past Monday since I only got a couple hours of sleep the night before. Unfortunately, that means I'm out of the yoga challenge I was attempting to complete, but I needed to take care of myself. Getting back on the mat yesterday, I was definitely stiff, but I felt so much better after class.

Overall, January was a pretty good month, in spite of the goals I made zero progress on. Luckily, I've got my Passion Planner to keep me on track!

Wish me luck on my interview tomorrow! :)

The Road to Sustainability

I've been slacking a little with this blog lately. But I've been busy, working my butt off trying to find myself a job, and not just any job but the job. The job where I get to use my writing and editing skills daily. The job where there's room for me to learn and grow and advance my career. The job with a positive working environment. I'm still looking. But I might be getting close! I've had two phone interviews for one position and I will be interviewing in-person for that position next week. I am excited about the possibility and opportunity this position could bring and hope to have good news on that front soon!

Copper and I have also been walking our butts off! Although not so much today and yesterday. I'm not sure if it's allergies or if I'm getting a cold, but I've felt a little sniffly and throat-scratchy, so I'm trying to drink more water and hot tea  and dial it back a little on the long walks. So far this month, we've walked roughly 92 miles (give or take a few)! Even with scaling back our walks a little, we will still hit 100 miles walked before the end of the month. I've noticed some tightness in my hips lately (from all the walking I presume), so I've been trying to open them and stretch them more in my yoga practice.

Copper went to the vet last week and weighs a whopping 68 pounds, and it's all muscle! Unfortunately, we found out she had two infections in both of her ears. Thankfully, just since Friday, with the medicine and cleaning solution her vet gave us, her ears seem to be clearing up, although one ear was definitely worse than the other.

My poor baby!

We've been out and about, trying new things lately. I went to the Dallas Art Museum last week with a friend from my yoga studio:

Number 3, 1949: Tiger by Jackson Pollock

I also tried sushi for the first time!!!

It was pretty good.

We've finally started cooking at home again for the majority of our meals. (We cave and eat out a couple times a week right now, but we need to reign that in if we're going to be healthier and pay off some debt!!) I'm trying to get us to eat healthier overall and rather than cutting out gluten and dairy, I'm buying whole grains and organic (or less-processed) dairy products to see how it goes. It's a little more expensive, but so far, I've been feeling okay!

Whole grain penne pasta with chicken sausage, whole roasted cauliflower, caesar salad and garlic bread. Chris is even eating more than one helping of salad!!

Penne pasta reimagined for a leftover lunch!

This was last night's dinner and it was delicious! Slow cooker creole chicken with andouille chicken sausage over brown rice. 

In addition to trying to eat healthier, one of my goals for this year (not listed here!), is to try to lead a more sustainable lifestyle. More simply, I want to start reducing some of our waste (and lower our budget!). In the past, I've made small changes, such as switching from Dixie cups in the bathroom to small Tupperware cups (I have about 4 that I rotate). I want to start making more changes like that in other areas. Currently, I use makeup remover wipes to take off my makeup at the end of the day (although, since I'm not currently working, I've been going natural--saving money on the wipes and the makeup!), but I'd like to switch to something less disposable. I've seen DIY makeup remover with Johnson & Johnson's baby shampoo (I think it's shampoo? I don't really remember), but I'm not crazy about buying that and using it on my face (and thus having another bottle to throw out).

I also brought up the topic with Chris of switching to using cloth napkins rather than paper towels. We're only a family of 2, so we don't go through a ton of paper towels, so this isn't so much a money-saving thing as it is more of an environmental thing. I want to reduce the amount of waste we're putting out into the world. Chris was pretty adamant that we keep the paper towels (mainly because it's not a huge extra cost for us), but I might get some just for me to use. 

I'm also looking into alternatives to the Swiffer (dry) cloths. I still have some, so I will use those up first, but I did try a microfiber cloth yesterday, and it seemed to trap as much hair and dust and dirt as the Swiffer cloths do (if not more!). I'm not sure what, if anything, I can use on the Swiffer Wet Jet, but I haven't even mopped our apartment yet (don't judge me!), so I'm not too concerned about that at the moment.

Are you trying to reduce your carbon footprint (or save money!)? If so, what steps have you taken to do so? Any tips for makeup remover, cloth napkins, or Swiffer cloths? Let me know!

Goals for 2016

I know I'm a little late getting to these, but here they are (in no particular order).

My primary goal is to live a healthier lifestyle overall. To focus on self-care, both mentally and physically.

• Eat healthy. Most of the time. It's okay to splurge now and then. I really want to find a good balance for myself as far as food goes. I think a lot of my IBS symptoms are more stress-related than food-related. So I think if I just continue to eat a healthy diet (including higher-quality grains and dairy) and manage my stress better, my IBS symptoms might be reduced.
• Be active. I want to continue with the [more] active lifestyle I've had since we moved to Dallas. I'm walking 20+ miles each week (which may go down a bit once I get a job). I'm doing yoga several times a week (almost every day, which again, will probably change once I get a job). I haven't started running down here yet. I want to be a little more familiar with the area before I start that. Overall, I just want to spend less time sitting inside on the couch watching TV. I want to get out and explore (and living in a new city certainly helps!).
• Read more. My goal this year--again--is to read 25 books. I only read about 13 books in 2015, so I hope that if I don't make it to 25, I at least read more than 13. Less TV/movies/Netflix-bingeing. I want to try to read at least a half hour each night before bed to help myself unwind and hopefully sleep better. 
• Unplug more often. Especially during meal times with Chris, family, or friends. But also at least a half hour before bed (no TV, no phone, no computer) to help myself unwind from the day and sleep better. 
• Be present. This goes along with unplugging--putting the phone away at meal times and giving Chris or anyone else I am with my full attention.
• Drink more water and herbal tea. Less beer, wine, and other alcohol. To go with my book before bed, I plan to drink a cup of hot tea (at least while it's cold out--might switch to infused water in the summer). With our move and the holidays, we've done a lot more drinking, and we love trying new, local beers so this will be challenging.
• Be kinder to myself and others. I am my own worst critic. I put myself down more than anyone else and punish myself far too often. It's time for me to change that. Through yoga, I'm learning to honor my body--both on and off the mat. It's a constant work in progress, but I have made some great improvements over the last year and hope to continue that. I also want to work on being kinder to those around me. To Chris, especially. But also to family, friends, and strangers. I can have a short temper (although yoga is helping me with that, too!), and I'm trying to think and breathe through my immediate emotions. I'm trying to put myself in the other person's shoes. Maybe that person cut me off because they're having a rough Monday and are late for work. Maybe the checker at the grocery store just got yelled at by another customer so they aren't feeling too friendly. I'm want to be kind to those who aren't kind to me, because they probably need it most. 
• Have better relationships. I want to make a point to keep in touch with my family and friends on a regular basis, which is especially important now that I'm living out of state and most of my family and friends live in St. Louis. I want all my family and friends to know how important they are to me and to let them know by calling and texting them--not just liking their Facebook posts. I also want to be able to let go of relationships that are no longer healthy or just aren't there at all. I had a "friend" who I regularly called and texted to try to keep in touch, see how she's doing and let her know how I'm doing. But she almost always ignores my messages. So I'm going to let that one go. Friendship is a two-way street and I'd rather put my energy into other friendships.
• Budget, reduce debt, and increase savings. This is something Chris and I will be working on together, but it definitely falls under "self-care" since having less debt = less stress (for me anyway). Chris and I both have student loans, car loans, and credit card debt, though thankfully not a ton of credit card debt. I will probably do some separate posts on our plans for reducing our debt and budgeting in case anyone wants to follow along. (If you're looking for a blog on budgeting and reducing debt, my friend Elise has a great one--her and her husband have made a serious dent in their debt and were my inspiration for wanting to tackle our own debt!)
• Write more. With the wedding, moving to Dallas, and the holidays, I haven't had a lot of time to write. I am working on a book though, and want to make some real progress with that this year. I also want to continue writing poetry. Plus, writing more will allow me to have [long-distance] workshops with one of my good friends, which helps with the better relationships goals too. Ideally, I'd like to get something published this year. So I might make a secondary goal to this one to submit to one literary magazine per month in an attempt to get published. 
• Find a job I love. I've been unemployed (again) for a little under a month. Thankfully, with Chris's job promotion, it isn't imperative that I find a job--any job--right away. Having a job will certainly make budgeting, paying off our debts, and saving easier, though. But my goal here is to take my time and find a job that I truly love. I do have one opportunity on my radar and I'm hoping to get an interview set up for that within the next week or so (I'll let you all know how it goes!). If that doesn't work out, then I will keep looking because I want to find the right job for me. I don't want to just settle on something to say that I have a job. I've had to do that in the past and it made me horribly stressed.

Those are my goals, although I'm sure I think of more to add to this later! What are your goals for 2016? 

My Big Wake Up Call

First and foremost, if you haven't started reading It Starts With Food, I highly recommend it.

Second, this post might be a little (a lot) all over the place. Sorry about that.

I finally was able to get my car washed last week. It is shiny and beautiful! And on top of that, I got four shiny new hubcaps (I was down to just one). My car looks almost as amazing as it did the day I got it.

On Thursday I got a call about a temp job, did a phone interview, and then got a call later that day that I got the job, so that started yesterday. I wasn't super excited about it, but it was nice to get out of the house, and everyone was actually really nice.

Here's where the first of two (because I'm an idiot) wake up calls comes in:

Friday night we went to the fish fry with my family at the Knights of Columbus Hall. We had several beers and, of course, fish. (I should say that I had eaten extremely healthy the whole day, so I wasn't feeling too bad about indulging in some fried fish. Also, I should say that I had run out of my allergy medicine earlier in the week and since I wasn't feeling too bad, I didn't bother to buy more.) I got two pieces of fish, some fries, and some macaroni and cheese. Not. Healthy. But, like I said, I had eaten extremely healthy all day, so I figured a little unhealthy food wouldn't hurt.

Now, in the book It Starts With Food, they explain how certain foods are related to allergies, how some cause allergies, etc. A big reason I want to try a Whole30 is to see if I can improve my allergies and asthma and perhaps stop taking my allergy medicine and/or inhaler all together.

I realized later that night just how much (bad) food can affect my allergies. I began itching all over. My face, neck, arms, legs, hands, feet, etc. It was miserable and I couldn't sleep. Around 5am on Saturday I remembered I may have an extra allergy pill stashed in my purse. Thankfully, I did. I took it, and was able to get some sleep (that is, until Copper woke me up a couple hours later).

I had some broccoli mixed with yogurt and a little parmesan cheese for lunch and that evening we went to dinner with Chris's parents at The Fountain on Locust. It was packed, but I think it was worth the wait. I had a thin mint ice cream martini, which was delicious, and then I ordered a salad with grilled chicken (after the previous night, I didn't want to risk eating anything too unhealthy).

After dinner Chris's mom and I went to the Fox to see Jersey Boys and it was really good! And while we were there, Chris and his dad were busy at the casino not winning any money :p

Sunday was my cousin's baptism so we had to go to noon mass then stay for the baptism afterward. Thankfully, she was totally cool about all of it and never cried. And while we were there, my aunt and uncle renewed their vows. It was really sweet.

Later that night, since we forgot to buy something for dinner at the grocery store, we got Steak 'n Shake--cue second wake up call. The horrible itchiness came right back. I was miserable and didn't get much sleep (go figure, since I started my temp job the next morning).

I've pretty much been miserable since then. I don't want to go buy more allergy medicine and even though I haven't officially started the Whole30, I want to see if certain foods I eat this week might change it. And as miserable as I am, I want to see how long it takes for this to go away.

My plan is to start the Whole30 challenge next week for lent and Chris said he's going to do it with me! Well, he's going to sort of do it with me. Since St. Patrick's Day is during lent as well as a party for his company, he said he's going to drink and pretty much eat whatever he wants. And that's okay. Hopefully he'll still see some decent results from it (and hopefully I see amazing results) and we can stick with it even after lent is over.

Although I do hope to lose some weight and that my clothes will fit better, I'm much more concerned about how it will make me feel in other areas, like with my allergies and asthma. I think if I can get those under control--without medicine--that will be enough motivation to keep up with eating healthy long-term.

Heartbreaking, Soul-Crushing Job Search

It feels like the longer I'm unemployed and looking for a job, the more discouraged I get.

Almost two weeks ago I took an editing test for a job I applied for. The job sounded great, the company sounded great. So when I got an email saying that they'd like me to come in for an interview, I was extremely excited. My interview was Monday. I was nervous, but feeling pretty confident. During my interview, I was told that I was the only applicant to get a perfect score on the editing test.

I was ecstatic to find that out. It definitely boosted my confidence through the rest of the interview, which I thought went really, really well. I honestly thought it was the best interview I had ever done. I was confident I would get a call asking me to come in for a second interview and/or a job offer. I felt like I really got along well with my interviewers and one of them remarked several times that they felt I was very qualified for the job.

So when I got an email this morning, I held my breath, hoping and praying that it would be to ask me to come in for that second interview. Instead, it said that it was determined that my skills and experience were not a sufficient match for the position.

Needless to say, I'm heartbroken. And angry. I'm mad that I worked so hard and didn't get the job. I'm mad that getting a perfect score on an editing test and several years of editing experience wasn't enough. I'm mad that I let myself get so confident and excited about this job.

I have been busting my butt since October applying for jobs. All I have to show for it is a part-time writing job and a whole lot of rejection. It is frustrating and exhausting. It's really difficult to get out of bed every morning with nowhere to go and force myself to sit at my computer and search for jobs for a few hours every day. Almost every day of the week I comb through job after job after job trying to find something that I'm qualified for.

This whole process is discouraging, depressing, infuriating, exhausting, and many other things. I don't want to have to start looking for jobs in retail just to have a job. I don't want to get stuck in a job I don't like because I couldn't find anything else. I want the dream job. Or at least a job that's a stepping-stone to the dream job. I don't want to have to settle.

It's so hard to keep going with this job search when I get rejected almost daily. It's incredibly hard not to snap at people who say "you'll find something," "keep your head up," etc. Those things are not comforting to hear. Especially after I've been hearing them for months now. It's hard to pretend that everything is okay and I'm not constantly worried about money. It's hard to keep going with this job search every day.

It's hard, it's frustrating, heartbreaking, soul-crushing.

Not Feeling Much Like Myself

My mom has been bugging me for a new post :p

Despite my best intentions, I have not gone for a run, I haven't even worked out at home, and I'm still eating a lot of junk.

A big part of the problem is the weather. It's just too cold to get out there and do anything. I have running clothes for the winter, but nothing warm enough for how cold it's been the past several weeks. And the few days where it's been decently warm I just haven't had the time or energy to go.

Another problem is my unemployment. I'd love to have a gym membership (which would give me a place to workout when the weather is crappy), but until I have a job, we can't afford it. And being unemployed gets depressing. Really depressing. I'm pretty much stuck at home all day every day, which I really hate. It's boring and my pets are driving me nuts. I try to spend as much of my day searching and applying for jobs and writing, but some days I don't have the drive or the energy. Other days there just aren't any jobs worth applying for and I don't have an upcoming deadline (although that has changed now that I'm doing weekly stories).

Looking for jobs and stressing about not having a job is exhausting. On top of that, since I'm the one at home, I'm doing most of the laundry, dishes, cleaning, and cooking. Not fun.

I just haven't felt like myself in a really long time. It's been almost a month since my job and my four-hour commute ended but I'm still exhausted. And yet there are nights where I just can't sleep. And although I hate being stuck at home all day every day, I also hate going out. I love my family, but it gets exhausting for me to be around so many people after just a couple hours. Everyone is talking at once and loudly trying to talk over one another and it just makes me tired.

I've been really irritable and moody lately, usually for no real reason. I'm just exhausted by everything lately and I'd really like to change that, but I don't know how. You'd think that while I'm not working I'd be getting a lot of rest and I've got tons of time to work out and make healthy meals but none of that is happening. I'm too tired to work out and cook, but I'm not getting much rest because I'm working part-time and looking for jobs as much as possible and stressing about not having a job.

I'm trying to stay positive. I had an interview with a staffing company recently and will hopefully have an interview with a different company in the next week or so (I passed their editing test so they just have to schedule my interview). And I'm hoping that once I do have a full-time job again--one that doesn't include a four-hour commute--I'll be a lot less stressed and maybe things will get back to normal...whatever that is.

On the plus-side, I have been making time to read more which has been really nice. I finally finished The Hangman's Daughter which was really good, but long. Or maybe it just seemed really long because it took me months to finish it.

  I also read Girl, Interrupted. I had seen the movie before and really liked it. The book was excellent.



I'm now reading Slaughterhouse Five. And I'm on the waiting list for several books from the library.



I've also decided I really want to learn to crochet or knit. Problem with that is I'd have to buy the stuff to do it. So if any of you would like to donate some crocheting or knitting supplies so I have stuff to do when I'm not applying for jobs and writing, I'd really, really appreciate it! Oh and I have no idea how to crochet or knit, so if anyone wants to teach me, that'd be great too :)

And finally: I let my sister cut my hair!

And I've got a new cover story in the North County Community News about the Myers house in Florissant. You can read it here: http://mycnews.com

Trying to be Chemical Free

I have officially applied for 50 jobs since the end of October 2013. Of those, I've received 10 rejection emails. So most are either still considering me (I can hope) or they've rejected me without bothering to notify me.

Luckily I found my part time writing position. It doesn't pay much, but it at least gives me a little something to do each day, and it's writing. That's very important to me. It's almost like being in school again. I get an assignment. I procrastinate. I write it. I turn it in. The only difference is, I get paid for these.

Aside from not having a full-time job, life is pretty good. Except for that whole being home all day, every day thing. That's not so fun for me. I'm getting bored. I can only search for and apply for so many jobs in one day.

I love her to pieces, but I am really not enjoying
being a stay at home dog-mom!

So I'm looking for other things to occupy my time. I should be exercising, but thanks to the foot of snow outside covering most sidewalks, I think I'll wait until it starts to melt. I've been spending a lot more time on Pinterest. Looking at wedding stuff, food stuff, workout stuff, etc. etc. As you may know, I'm working harder to eliminate chemicals from my life (and Chris's and our fur-babies).

It's adorable how much she loves the snow.

We've already switched from traditional body washes and facial cleansers to Herbaria, handmade, natural soaps. We love them! It's been fun trying different bars of soap. We finally went into the store the day before Thanksgiving and again the Friday after Christmas. It smells lovely. And it's on the Hill. I love that place. In addition to their bars of soap, I've switched from regular deodorant to a natural spray deodorant they have. I think I'd like to try making my own deodorant in the future as well. (In case you're wondering, regular deodorants contain lots of chemicals, plus most contain aluminum which has been linked as a cause of breast cancer--no thank you!). It is way different from using regular deodorant (which is why I think I want to try to make my own), and it doesn't work as an antiperspirant (that's what aluminum does), but sweating is good for you!

Herbaria also makes a soap for dogs! We plan
to use it on her just as soon as it's warm enough!

We've also switched to laundry detergents that are of the "free and clear" varieties. Currently we're using Arm & Hammer. Eventually I'd like to try making my own of this as well and see how it turns out.

The first thing I plan to "diy" is hand soap. It won't be hand-made or anything, but it will be organic which means no cancer-causing chemicals or anything else bad that painfully dries my hands out. (We're currently using soap from Bath & Body Works which does contain cancer-causing chemicals and is the reason this is the first thing I'm making!)

The Bath & Body hand soap has made my hands so dry that they hurt and are about to start cracking. No amount of lotion or coconut oil (from Herbaria and usually works great) has helped. So I'm heading to the store later today to get some organic castile soap and I'll add some essential oils and our hands will be so much better off!

I'm also looking for an organic shampoo (one that's not super expensive!). I've just been using a "shampoo bar" from Herbaria and while it does the job, my hair still feels dry and looks dull. I've found a couple options I plan to try so I'll let you know how that goes!

It is really difficult to find organic stuff, especially things like shampoos. And many claim to be organic when they're really not. Read labels/ingredients on everything is what I've learned in researching this stuff. You can't trust something that says it's all-natural or organic to really be those things. It's very frustrating.

Anyone else trying to eliminate all these chemicals from their lives? I'd love to hear any tips, products you use/love, and anything you've diy'ed!

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year...

Or not.

I've been my usual Grinch-y self pretty much all season and for various reasons. The biggest reasons are the fact that in a very short time I will be unemployed and I'm constantly worrying about how we're going to pay our bills (we're already struggling and I'm not unemployed yet!). Other reasons include the nasty cold weather, the assholes on the road--none of those people are in the "Christmas/holiday/whatever spirit"!--my long commute in general, all the things I will miss about my current job and friends in Cape, etc., etc.

On top of all that, there's the Christmas shopping, which I still haven't started, ya know, because we're poor and whatnot. It combines three of my least favorite things: Christmas, shopping, and spending money. Ugh.

And people kept asking me what I wanted for Christmas and honestly I really didn't know what to tell them most of the time. I feel bad asking for things when I'm buying gifts for very few people this year, and the gifts I do buy will be pretty small. Plus most of the things I want/need, people can't buy for me. Things like getting a job, being able to pay bills (I guess cash works for that stuff, but most people don't want to hear that the Xmas cash they gave you paid your electric bill or whatever).

I considered not buying gifts at all. But I would feel bad getting gifts from people and not giving them something in return. Even if that something was cheap and sucks and they'll never use it. It's the thought that counts, right?

I really think that's the main reason I get all Scrooge-y and Grinch-y this time of year though. And it's not the whole giving/receiving gifts thing necessarily. It's mainly the commercialization of it all. The shopping and putting yourself further into debt for all these material things. It kind of bums me out. The fact that there are stores staying open 24/7 from now until Christmas Eve for shoppers who waited until the last minute and apparently can't go shop during normal hours sickens me. It's stupid and unnecessary and an awful way to spend the week/weekend before Christmas. And some people will end up working on the holiday too.

I think everyone has just forgotten what all these holidays are really supposed to be about. It's not about gifts or spending money or any of that. It's supposed to be about family and friends. Spending time with the people around you. And giving to those who have less than you and need more than you. And it doesn't matter what holiday you're celebrating--Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, etc. There are people who don't have roofs to hang lights on, or living rooms to put a tree, or the money to buy a turkey for dinner, or clothes for their children, etc. We all know these things. We know there are people out there who are struggling more than us. Yet we go to the malls and buy the latest and greatest and most expensive electronics, games, clothes, whatever. All these material things have taken over our lives.

If you told your family you weren't buying anyone gifts but instead you were going to donate your time/money to help someone who really needs it, they'd probably look at you like you were crazy, be a little (or a lot) mad because that's one less present they're getting--but maybe they would think it's a great idea and join you.

Maybe it's a little late to do that this year (well it's never too late to donate) if you've already bought gifts and people have already bought gifts for you. But it might be interesting to give it a try next year. Instead of asking people for the stuff you want or think you really "need" see if they'd be willing to donate to a charity instead. Or volunteer at a food pantry or homeless shelter. Then, when the holiday itself gets here and you go to spend time with your family, you actually get to spend time with them rather than focusing on what they got you.

And no, I'm not suggesting this just because I'm cheap and I hate shopping. I think it would be interesting to try though. Instead of figuring out the perfect gift to get someone, you could instead ask what charities they are most passionate about, and donate to those or find ways to volunteer. You'll probably learn a lot more about that person, maybe become closer with them, and create new traditions by volunteering with them or something like that. The holidays should be about family and friends and the time you spend with them making memories and old and new traditions.

Obviously, I don't have much spare cash to donate right now, but pretty soon, I'm going to have a lot of time on my hands, so I plan to start looking for more volunteer opportunities.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Is this something you think your family and friends would go for?

Happy Holidays everyone! Enjoy the time off and be safe!

December 14, 2013: I said "Really?"

Then I said "Yes!" And cried.

Here's the story:

Chris and I had plans for Saturday night to go see all the Christmas lights at the Zoo. Unfortunately for me, the night before I was up the entire night. No matter what I did, I couldn't sleep. So I spent most of the night looking for jobs and saving several to apply for the next day.

On top of that, it snowed all night. So I spent most of Saturday applying for jobs and then shoveling the driveway. And I finally took a nap around 3:30. I was exhausted and starving.

Chris came home and asked if I was almost ready (I had only gotten out of the shower about 15 minutes before that!). I was, but still deciding what to wear. He suggested we get dressed up and I told him I was probably just going to wear jeans and a hoodie--we were going to be outside in the cold! For one, I wanted to be warm, and two, we'd be wearing coats anyway so you wouldn't be able to see what was underneath.

He said okay and then asked where I wanted to eat dinner. Because I was exhausted from not sleeping and hadn't eaten very much earlier that day, I said I just wanted to go get McDonald's or something because I didn't want to wait too long to eat. I probably would have gotten very cranky otherwise.

So we ate at McDonald's and then headed off to the Zoo. Everything was really pretty, but very cold! Here's a couple pics:

Penguins at the Zoo! 

Swans

Not engaged yet :p

After the Zoo we headed home. And managed to get lost. So we took a little detour through downtown. Oh well. By the time we got home I was ready to put on my pjs and curl up in bed. Plus, I must have pulled a muscle or something when I was shoveling the driveway earlier that day because my foot, ankle, and calf were all really sore. While Chris was letting the dog outside and then back in I was busy getting my boots off.

When he came back in he had turned on the Christmas tree lights and told me to come out in the living room because Copper wanted to play with me. So I finally went out there and started to pet her when I realized there was something shoved in her collar. I honestly wasn't sure what it was at first. It felt like a jewelry box, but that didn't mean that's what it was, or that that's what was inside. 

I said "What's this?" and Chris told me to open it up and see. 

As I opened it, I realized it definitely was a ring box, but it was empty. As I was doing that, Chris had gotten down on one knee and pulled the ring out. 

He asked me to marry him and I was in so much shock I actually asked "Really?" first before I said "Yes!"

And then I cried a whole bunch. Then we turned on the lights so I could see the ring. It's beautiful, and he had it sized before hand, so it fits perfectly! He did a great job picking it out!

Engaged!

After I calmed down a little, he told me to put my shoes back on so we could go meet my parents. They were at Hendel's having dinner with people from church. I cried some more when we walked in and I hugged my mom and dad. People couldn't believe that I had no clue, that I didn't even suspect that he was going to propose. I honestly didn't. Obviously I knew we would get engaged and married some day, but I just assumed it wouldn't happen until sometime next year. 

Apparently he planned to propose in a more secluded area of the Zoo (which is my favorite place there), but it was closed off. And I had made it clear I didn't want to be proposed to in front of a bunch of people. So he waited until we got home. 

He also fessed up to all the little lies he'd been telling me about the money he was spending and stuff. Apparently he planned to wait until Christmas to propose, but I kept asking too many questions and getting too upset about all the money issues (can you blame me?! I'm about to be unemployed!). 

It turned out to be a perfect night though. We had a couple drinks with my parents to celebrate and then headed home.

On Sunday I went to my grandparents house to show them the ring and I also called my BFF to tell her. She literally screamed. It was awesome. 

Later on Sunday I met Chris at his work to go out to lunch with him and a couple who will be opening a Massage Luxe in Chicago. They gave me/us some beautiful flowers and treated us to lunch at a pizza place in Maplewood (can't remember the name right now).

They smell amazing :)

It turned out to be an incredible weekend. And I'm already freaking out about planning and stuff. But the first thing on my to-do list is to get a job! So hopefully something will come up soon and then everything will be perfect! And by "something" I mean something in an office-setting at least, even if it's not related to my degree. I'm hoping to avoid having to resort to retail. 

So that's our engagement story!

Lacking Motivation or Something

Sorry it's been a while (again). You'd think with all the time off I've had with the holiday and snow days I'd be more rested and have the time and energy to write, but I just haven't for some reason. I'm not sure if it's been lack of inspiration/motivation, the overwhelming feelings of anxiety/dread/depression from having zero luck in finding a job coupled with all the bills I keep getting that I obviously can't afford to pay if I'm unemployed, plus all the Christmas gifts I have to buy, which I also can't afford. Probably a combination of all those things. Oh and it's cold. Super-duper-stupid cold:

It's blurry, but that says it was 5 degrees at 7:03 this morning.
Yuck.

Quitting school definitely helped me de-stress and I was completely relieved when I did it. But the way things keep piling up is stressing me out all over again. 

I've applied for around 20-ish jobs since October (I applied for a few jobs before that and got rejections on those). Of those 20-something jobs just since then, I've gotten one response, which was a no, but at least it was a response. 

It's starting to look like I'll be working retail or something for a while until I can find something better/in my field. 

I've also begun to look more seriously at trying to get some freelance gigs. Whether I'm working or not, I could definitely use the extra cash. 

The best news I've gotten this week is that they interviewed and picked someone to take over my job. Since we're technically on a hiring freeze until Jan. 1 or 2, she can't be officially hired or start any time before then, but it's definitely a relief to know that someone will be taking over not long after I've left. Plus she's a friend of mine, super smart, nice, and funny. Training her shouldn't be a problem. And that's a big relief. 

One less thing I have to stress over (which really means I can put more of my "energy" into stressing over my upcoming unemployment and bills--yay).

So if any of you happen to need or know someone who needs a freelance writer or editor, please contact me about it! Or if you happen to know of any businesses in the area that are hiring. I would really appreciate all the help! 

I sincerely hope not all of you are dealing with the snow, ice, and well-below freezing temps that we are here! It's no fun! And has made me realize I could really use some kind of boots that aren't just "fashion." 

Also please try to give to others in need this season--and all year round, really. There are many, many people out there who are much worse off than most of us are and could really use some help. So give what you can: time, money, a shoulder to cry on, a meal or two, etc. You could really make a difference in someone else's day/week/month/year. 

Things I'm Missing

I miss writing. Now that I've quit school and have slightly more time on my hands, well I'm still not writing much of anything other than these blog posts. I miss my poetry.

Reasons I'm not writing:

• I don't have the energy. 
• I don't really have a lot of spare time. The spare time (and energy) I do have goes into looking for jobs. 
• I haven't felt motivated or inspired in quite a while. I feel like I just don't have much to write about or say lately. Aside from my exhaustion and pending possible unemployment, my life has been pretty great lately and I've been happy. Considering 99% of what I write is heavy, depressing stuff, well "happy" doesn't exactly help me get any writing done. 
• I also feel like I tend to focus on the same things, and I'd like to branch out to other topics (even if they're still depressing), but I'm not quite sure how to do that. Maybe I need some writing prompts or something (although most of the ones I've seen I completely hate and think they're dumb, so if any of you know of some good ones, send them my way!).

Reasons I should be writing:

• Even though my poetry is generally depressing, writing makes me really, really happy. 
• It makes me feel accomplished (even if none of my poetry is ever published again). 
• Poetry is something I can create. I'm not a good cook, or a crafty person, or an artist, or anything like that. Poetry is my art. That's something I can create. And I can destroy (unlike meals which I mostly just destroy :p). I can mold it into whatever I want it to be. I can share it with the world or keep it to myself. 

I really need to get myself a new journal. One small enough to fit in my purse so I can take it with me everywhere I go. So I can write down lines that pop in my head. Or really great quotes I find randomly throughout the day. Yes, I have an iPhone that I could easily do all of these things on. But it's not the same as putting pen to paper. I love journals--although I rarely fill any up--and I think it's time for a new one. 

Something else I really miss is playing my violin. It has been a very, very long time since I've played. The reasons I haven't are pretty much the same reasons I haven't been writing: I just don't have the time or energy. 

I also miss running. I really can't remember the last time I went for a run. My body actually aches from the lack of physical activity. I'd give anything to trade the soreness and pain I get from spending 4 hours in my car every day for the muscle soreness I get from a good (or even a not-so-good) run. 

I did just find out that I've got eight sick days (yes, EIGHT) to use before my last day. I have no idea how I'm going to fit in that many days off, but I'm totally gonna try because I could definitely use them! And I'm hoping those days off will allow more time for all these things I've been missing so much lately. 

Weekend Recap

New glasses! :)

I went to pick up my new glasses and contacts last Friday. It's so nice to be able to wear contacts again (and sunglasses!) and glasses that are nice and light. 

We had a couple events in St. Louis on Friday for our newest book: 

We had a great turnout for both events. I love getting the opportunity to meet the authors and hear them tell their stories. Unfortunately we didn't sell quite as much as we had hoped due to time constraints at the second event, but we sold a decent amount of books. While everyone else went out to a fancy dinner that night after the second event (which was at the STL Public Library and that building is so cool!), I went home to eat pizza with Chris and then sleep.

I've been so exhausted lately. And that's making me cranky. It's really bumming me out that I just don't have the energy to go out and do stuff. I got my oil changed Saturday, we took Copper, our horribly behaved dog, for a walk on Sunday, and had dinner with my parents later that night. And that's really about all I did. I didn't clean or do any of the other things I should have.

Probably the best thing to happen all weekend was that I was asked to send in my resume for a possible job! I really hope something works out with that one because it would be an amazing organization to work for. Fingers crossed!!

Who's ready for Thanksgiving? On the one hand I'm totally excited to only have to drive in to work 2 days next week, but on the other hand, it means Christmas is too close for comfort. I have gifts to buy (with money I don't have) and places to go, etc, etc. I'm looking forward to the family time and stuff, but I'm also really hoping for some time to just rest next week. I need it. Badly.

I'm starting to feel sick, even though I've been taking Vitamin-C regularly, drinking a lot of water, eating fruits and veggies, etc. I'm hoping it's just allergies and nothing worse. I don't think I can handle getting sick and needing more medicine.

I hope you all had a fantastic weekend!

Can't Catch a Break

I've been kinda down lately for a lot of little reasons, none of which should affect my mood this much, but they just keep piling on top of each other and I could just really use a break.

I was on antibiotics a couple weeks ago for an infection. Took the meds, felt better, finished the meds, everything was fine.
A week later, I have a UTI. There was no reason for me to possibly get a UTI other than the first antibiotic I was on. So now I'm on more antibiotics. (None of my doctors have ever told me that antibiotics could cause--or make me vulnerable--to other infections.)
This new antibiotic says I can't have caffeine while I'm on it. I didn't realize just how much I really depend on those 1-2 cups of coffee every day. I'm irritable, exhausted (barely making it to 9pm the past two nights before I go to bed when I normally stay up until 10pm), and getting headaches.

On top of that, either a hubcap fell off of my car or it was stolen. So I'm down to 2 hubcaps on my car now. It looks awesome. Plus I need an oil change. And this stupid-cold weather makes the low tire pressure light come on, even though I check and check and there's always plenty of air.

Did I mention this ridiculously cold weather? Yeah, I'm over it.

Then there's all the stuff that keeps going wrong at the house (where I only get to spend about 8 hours a day during the week, none of which is in daylight). Our storm door is broken (thanks wind), our garage door is broken (or the motor is dead or something, I don't know), and one of the drain pipes is broken.

And this whole job-hunt thing is exhausting and discouraging. I've sent my resume and applications in to a lot of different places and I either haven't heard anything yet or got emails saying they went with other candidates. I haven't even gotten any kind of interview yet. It's extremely frustrating and worrying. I struggle daily to be calm about it and stay positive. What if I don't find a job? What if we can't pay our bills? It's terrifying to think that I could leave my current job in January (which is less than two months away!!) and not have another job to go to.

I'm sorry for the rant and all the negativity today. I just needed to get all that out. Poor Chris has to listen to me complain about a lot of these things on a pretty regular basis. I'm trying to be positive, but it's like everything is working against me right now and that makes it really hard.

If any of you have any job-hunting tips in general, or know of a place in St. Louis that's looking to hire a writer and/or editor and/or communications specialist, please let me know!