Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Quarter-Life Crisis

I had a mini-meltdown in my car last night on my way home from class. Okay, maybe it wasn't so mini. Whatever.

I got an assignment back in class last night and I got a B on it, which isn't really all that bad, and I currently have an A overall. But editing is my JOB, and getting a B on an editing assignment in the class my boss teaches kinda makes me feel like a failure, idiot, and anything else you can come up with. 

The fact that finals are two weeks away probably isn't helping this any. And neither is the fact that I tried to plan out my courses and see just how long it will take me to get my degree. If I continue to take two classes (6 hours) per semester and don't take summer classes, it will be at least spring 2015 before I graduate. Do you have any idea how far away that seems?! That's another 2 and a half to 3 years living in Farmington, driving 3 hours a day, going to class two nights a week. 

So then I decided to see how long it would take if I can take summer classes, and it would end up sometime in 2014ish. Then I decided to see how long it would take if I took summer classes and took 9 hours for a semester or two. Still 2014ish. Mainly because they just don't offer what I need during the summer. 

I don't hate school. I very much dislike some of the classes I have to take and some of the people who teach them. And I dislike how time-consuming it all is. But the main reason is that I have to work and go to school. Which is what most people do. But if I could just go to school, take 9 hours a semester like everyone else and be done in two years, I think I'd like it a whole lot more. And I also really want a degree in psychology. Which would mean more school (and also way more loans). 

I started questioning everything last night. Did I make the right decision going to Semo in the first place? Should I have gone somewhere else? Do I really want to be in school (the answer to that question is yes, by the way)? Am I even hungry now (yes, that was a legitimate question last night--again, the answer was yes)? 

I'll leave out many of the other things I questioned/thought for the sake of being nice. After seeing Yellowcard on Sunday night, I started thinking about how much I miss playing the violin and how I really don't have the time for it anymore. Between work, school, and trying to exercise enough so that I don't get fat, I just don't have the spare time or energy for it. Which is really depressing. And then of course came the inevitable question: could I have been a better violinist? Probably. I know I could have been, and could still be (assuming I had the time to dedicate to it), but I hated the classes I took as a music major my freshman year. So I know that while in my head I still think being a pro violinist would be one of the coolest jobs ever (especially in a rock band), I made the right move when I switched majors.  

Then's there's the stress of writing, which, aside from the blog, I'm doing very little of right now. I've written one or two poems all semester. And they're not great. But I'm doing a creative thesis so I need to be writing constantly. And I need to be revising other poems I've written. I need to be submitting to try and get published. Where am I supposed to find the time and inspiration? 

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. And kind of angry, mostly at myself because I just don't know what I want. I want my master's. I want to study psychology. I want to move back to St. Louis some day in the not-so-far-away future. I want to not be in debt forever. I want to not have to work and go to school. Obviously, I can't have it all, and very few of those things are real possibilities. 

Am I the only one who doesn't know what the hell I want?